I Made a Mistake on Instagram
... and I'm better for it.
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I went through a phase in mid-2020 when I made the conscious decision to unfollow a slew of people on social media and “block” others from viewing my Instagram story. Some of them, old friends whom I’d long-felt like I was chasing to get together or stay in touch with — and then things fell off. Others, ex-boyfriends or flings. Also, a few former work-related acquaintances.
Whether it had been years, months, weeks, or days since we had last communicated, I felt as though there was something unhealthy about the fact that these people — who didn’t necessarily want anything to do with the real me — wanted access to my digital life. Despite knowing very well that someone watching an IG story actually means n-o-t-h-i-n-g, I’d become highly aware of whether or not they were tuning into my day-to-day. If their names popped up toward the top of the “seen” scroll, I found a strange satisfaction — that is, when that happened. And when it didn’t? An unnecessary blow to my ego.
I was on a phone call with a girlfriend one afternoon when my emotions overtook me, tears welling up in my eyes. Frustrated mostly about the relationships that didn’t work out, I blurted out “I don’t want to look for them anymore!”
Her answer? “Then block them.”
So, I did.
I can’t recommend this enough, although it made me a little anxious at first. I wondered what kind of message the block was sending. We all know that it’s not like someone won’t notice when they’ve been restricted. Even so, I’m entitled to exercise my boundaries (thank you, therapy). Until I took this measure, I was more concerned about making someone else feel comfortable, rather than myself. Oftentimes, these people hadn’t always treated me with kindness or respect. But still, I respected how they wanted to be involved in my life
With time post-block, I felt free.
Maybe that sounds odd?
But, it’s true.
I’m not someone who really holds grudges. When we flipped the calendar to 2021, I decided to unblock. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why. It felt right. I told myself I could always go back to how things were. With time, their names slowly started popping back up in the list, but it didn’t trigger the same anxiety like it used to. Whether or not these people ever play an active role in my life ever again, I was at peace with the state of our relationships (or, lack thereof).
Recently, one of them reached out to me, and we had a reckoning of sorts. We aired out our grievances. I’d like to think we’re both a lot better for it. Since then, we talk pretty regularly. I noticed that he made a concerted effort to check in from time to time, more so than before. He often asks about my days, including stuff that hits my Instagram feed — like details about a morning run or how work’s going.
Yesterday, we were chatting and I made a reference to something I recently shared.
“You know, I still can’t see your stories,” he said to me.
I realized in that moment that I never removed him from the “blocked” list.
It was a mistake.
Seconds later, I had this deep feeling of appreciation. How great is it, that we were able to do this unintentional experiment? I thought, recognizing that the error definitely impacted this renewed relationship for the better.
I couldn’t help but wonder: Were the past few weeks of communication what it was like before Instagram? To be honest, it’s hard to remember. I do know this: I long for more of these relationships. The kind where people check in on you despite following along on social. Ask questions regardless of what they’ve “seen.” Avoid making assumptions based on carefully curated stories that certainly don’t really paint an adequate picture of life as a whole.
“I am so sorry,” I said to him. “I kind of wish everyone talked to me the way you talked to me over the past few weeks.”
“I’ll keep it up. Maybe, TBH, you should just keep me muted.”
We both laughed.
My takeaway: Check in. Check in regularly. Keep the people in your circle, both on the ‘gram and IRL that make you feel full. We have the opportunity to control the energy in our lives and how we nourish our very being. Especially now. Fact is, we’ve been through a lot, and we’re going to go through a lot more.
We need each other — and in larger doses than just 15-second hits.
PROMPT: What’s one positive way you can shift your use of social media, whether it with the accounts you follow (or don’t) or apps you want to use less/more?
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HIGHLIGHTS OF THE WEEK
VISIT: The Whalebone Shop
If you’re local to New York, you’ll find the Whalebone Shop on Bleecker charming. (I stumbled upon it last week meandering around the West Village.) Inside, you can do more than just read the latest issue of the magazine. Throughout January, Athleta is popping up inside, snag some plant-based ice cream samples courtesy of NadaMoo!, shop some of their favorite picks from local businesses, and snag a nitro coffee from SailAway.
READ: Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey
Shoutout to Becs Gentry for this recommendation (if you missed our chat for the show this week, check it out here). I just got my copy, and I’m looking forward to diving in. As Becs explained, McConaughey’s outlook is essentially that people love green lights in life. They affirm our way. However, they don’t like red and yellow lights, as they are often hardships. As he explains in the book, life’s yellow and red lights ultimately turn to green, if you shift your perspective.
READ: Trump’s Been Impeached Again. What’s Next?
It’s important to be in the loop about what’s happening in Washington D.C., especially leading up to Inauguration Day. If you’re not entirely sure what this week’s impeachment means or what happened the last time (yes, this is the second time) — this is a good explainer from CNN.
WATCH: Love Life on HBO Max
OK. I’m late to this party. The other night I put out a call on IG for shows to binge watch, and I’m now four episodes deep in this series starring Anna Kendrick. It follows her as she hunts for love throughout her 20s and 30s living in New York City (oh, nostalgia for previous times). It’s cute and gets the job done. Other suggestions that came in: Bridgerton, Lupin, Industry, The Flight Attendant, Your Honor, The Undoing, Away, Ted Lasso, and a bunch more (many of which I’ve already checked off).
LISTEN: Brené with Tim Ferriss and Dax Shepard on Podcasting, Daily Practices, and the Long and Winding Path to Healing
Like many of you I’m sure, I’m still catching up on podcasts from December that I missed. I took a lot away from this episode with the three podcasters, and laughed a lot. I also particularly enjoyed their perspective on how difficult it is, at times, for us to be honest with ourselves and the importance of having a “flexible identity.”
SIGN UP: Hurdle Book Club
This month, we’re reading Alexi Pappas’ new book Bravey, which I’m amped on. Spoiler alert: She’ll also be on the show to coincide with this! Book Club will be Tuesday, February 23, at 8 p.m. ET.
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Another (weekly) Hurdle conquered. Catch you guys next week.