How I Really Got My 'Toned Arms'

It's about time we have an honest talk about the past few months.

Back on April 10, I posted a photo to Instagram talking about my struggles with food. It was a month or so into the stay-at-home order, and everything felt off. My routine was outta whack. I wasn’t running because my hip pain was outrageous. I was crying sporadically at my new desk in the middle of the work day from overwhelm. I definitely wasn’t drinking enough water, and I was also drinking alcohol a little too regularly.

I felt really helpless. 
I felt really alone. 

“I’m not failing by doing this,” I wrote on IG — detailing my 14+ trips to the kitchen that day.
“In fact, I’d be surprised if I wasn’t. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m concerned about masking what’s really happening on the inside.” 

And boy, was I. I was carrying a lot of extra weight, mentally and physically. My self-talk was rough. With time, curiosity got the best of me, and I stepped on the scale. It felt eerily similar to the day I braved the small digital device back in 2007. On this April day, I felt mentally in a similar, unsure space.

I knew I needed to do a personal audit. 

This audit wasn’t rooted in changing the number I saw on the scale, although I expected that to be a byproduct of the work I had on deck. My goal was to find my happy again. My goal was to get back to a place that I was proud of me and felt more at home in my body and mind. A place of empowerment and confidence …

… even if that meant most of the work had to be done inside the confines of my small apartment. 

It started with a lot of letting go, primarily of the frustration over the things I cannot change. I stopped being so angry about the state of the world. I stopped seeking comfort in the wrong relationships. I made it a point to get to bed earlier, and I stopped setting an alarm. I stuck with my regular journaling practice, and I finished each day by highlighting one thing that made me smile over the past 24 hours. I allowed myself to get more intuitive with my schedule, letting go of the need to plan out every little thing. I started moving more regularly, even if it that didn’t involve running. Made Zoom and FaceTime workout dates that I’d look forward to all week. I began doing the essential strength work to combat that hip injury every single morning (with a side of espresso). Pizza Friday began. I took a hard look of where I’m at with my writing and business.

The list goes on. It was a lot. But it all felt so right.

On May 5, I remember waking up after almost 9 solid hours of sleep (!) and feeling so satisfied. Light. Less anxious. More comfortable. I walked into the living room, turned on my Nespresso machine, came back to my bed, opened my journal, and wrote the following: 

I feel better and more open every day as I invest in myself.

Fast forward to yesterday. As I put my favorite gold pen to paper, I wrote this down:

I feel home.

Minutes later, I was getting some last things together before heading out the door for a run when a DM came through:

“What have you been doing to stay so toned in quarantine?! You look so fabulous!” 

… this isn’t the first message I’ve received over the past few weeks along these lines, both from people I don’t know and some from friends, too. Many of them, commenting on my appearance. Muscle tone. Size. “How have you LOST weight in quarantine?” External validation certainly feels like a drug at times. It’s human nature to want more of it. Every single time, though, I think about April. I reflect on the bad place. Every single time, I want to explain that this apparently noticeable outer change is the bi-product of SO much inner work. So many things that make me feel really proud, like I’m doing something right. Things like:

- Finally taking the time to strengthen my body instead of just running it into the ground
- Exercising because it feels good, not because I’m trying to “combat” poor dietary habits
- Being more intuitive with my eating
- Having hard conversations — with myself and others — that I’ve shied away from before
- Setting boundaries and not feeling selfish about them
- Keeping my regular therapy appointments

Listen. (If you’re this far in the newsletter, I guess you already are.)

I want you to know that it’s bigger than the outside. I don’t have a lecture to offer about building strong arms. I don’t have some secret workout I do, and I’m not sitting in my apartment spending hours lifting dumbbells. I am, however, sitting here spending hours on the other stuff — the important stuff.

It all starts within. When you take the time to work on the inside, that’s when the real you can shine through — no matter what size you may be or what definition does (or doesn’t) show in your right bicep. Beauty comes in every shape. The healthy progress you make by taking the time to invest in yourself? Love bigger? Admit the hard stuff? It may not be visible or “typical.” But it’s yours, and that’s a big deal.

Be proud of your strong heart. 
Be proud of embracing self-love.
Be proud of the work that enables you to show up during tough times.
Yeah, you can be proud of the physical, too.
But keep in mind that true outer beauty stems from a beautiful heart.
Things will still get messy. 
There will still be some desk tears from time to time.
And when things get tough?
My DMs are open …
… just don’t talk to me about my arms.

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PROMPT: What’s one thing you’ve been working on that no one knows about? What makes you proud of you?

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HIGHLIGHTS OF THE WEEK

WATCH: Uncomfortable Conversations With a Black Man, Episode 3 with Emmanuel Acho
By now, you’ve probably seen these videos on your social media feeds. What I love about Acho’s approach is his use of analogies. This week, he shares a conversation with Chip and Joanna Gaines (plus their kiddos), and in it he compares his approach to white people as a Black man like water and electricity. “Both are necessary for life,” he says. “But if water and electricity have a negative interaction, it can be lethal.”
Follow him on Twitter and Instagram for more content. 

BUY: Under Armour Mid sports bra ($28), Lululemon Energy sports bra ($52), Nike Swoosh sports bra ($30)
From the click-through rate on last week’s newsletter, it really seems like you appreciate my gear recommendations (more on that in an upcoming newsletter). In the meantime, this week I’m highlighting three of my go-to sports bras. I reach for one of these three daily (I have multiples of each), and when they’re all out of my overloaded sports bra drawer, it’s a sign that it’s time to do laundry. All of them are medium support. I’m a small C-cup, and I can do everything in all three styles from run sprints to Downward Dog. 

READ: Nicole Cardoza’s Anti-Racism Daily Newsletter
Just like your yoga practice, anti-racism work involves diligent work, too. Nicole Cardoza, the founder of both Yoga Foster, a national nonprofit that empowers educators with mindfulness and yoga in the classroom, and Reclamation Ventures, a fund that invests in high-potential, underestimated entrepreneurs making wellness more accessible, wants to lend us all a helping hand. “These daily practices will center an action to address racism on an individual, interpersonal, or institutional level,” she writes in the welcome email. “It will include education on why and how this is so critical, key takeaways, and additional resources to dive deeper.”

TRY: Pickup Please Free Donation Pickup
I’m one of those drop-one-bag-at-Goodwill-a-month, types. My local store has been closed for the past few due to COVID, and I’ve been on the hunt for somewhere to donate gently used items like clothing and wall art. I recently found Pickup Please, supported by Vietnam Veterans of America. Depending on your location, they’ll either offer you a special pre-paid shipping label for your items or schedule an in-person free pickup.

READ: A Racist Incident At Fashion Week by Tiffany Reid
I met Tiffany Reid, the Fashion Director for Bustle Digital Group’s lifestyle brands, on a press trip a few years ago. In this op-ed written for Business of Fashion, she details a heartbreaking, scary, and racist interaction she had in Paris earlier this year. Her share is extremely vulnerable, and reveals issues that are all-too-common in editorial. Thank you for sharing, Tiffany.

DONATE: 1 Million Miles for Justice with Black Girls Run
If you follow along with me on Instagram, then you know that I’ve been hyping up team Hurdlers. Black Girls Run is challenging people across the globe to commit to moving at least 25 miles between June 15 and July 15 in order to bring awareness to the fight for racial justice. Would love for you to join me and move with some real intention. Use the password “hurdlemoment” to sign up!

… and lastly,

Happy Father’s Day to you and yours!

Another (weekly) Hurdle conquered. Catch you guys next week.

P.S. This newsletter is free and will stay free thanks to the people that opt-in to give. Please, considering signing up as a paid subscriber!